Post by BRUTIS on Dec 9, 2012 0:56:52 GMT -5
These are rants for my characters that probably will not show up at any point in the RPs. They're just here because I felt like writing 'em, and they just might give you some insights into my charries. There is only one so far, but more will eventually follow.
Brutis (Modified)
"I should be proud. Heck, I am proud. The girl I had a huge hand in raising, Castor, is alpha. I should be ecstatic about it, but I don't think I'm as happy as I should be. I don't know. I just...I was there to treat her wounds. I was there to comfort her whenever she was sad. I was there to help her whenever she got sick. I protected her from all kinds of harm. If a single wolf even looked at her funny, I went to Castor's defense. And while she was training with other members of the pack, or even the alpha, whenever she was gone...I would get so worried. So, I'd follow her. I could hide very well, thanks to my manipulation of air currents, and I was never caught. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I even gave up my meals for that girl. Do you have any idea how hard it was to make sure she had a full belly every night?
"So, while it is true the alpha was there to take her for important events, I was there for her for her everyday life. When she needed me, I was never far off. When she still needs me, I'm right there. And yet...and yet nobody looks at me with any more respect. Like raising her should've been my responsibility the whole time, or like raising a pup that isn't biologically yours is just something we do every day. But, you know, I could've pawned her off on any other member of the pack, just like how the alpha kept pawning her off on me. I didn't, though. I raised her as if she were the daughter I'd never had, and probably never will have.
"I'm not looking for her to thank me. I felt a want and need to be her father figure. I'm not even looking for the rest of the pack to thank me for making sure their current alpha turned out well. I just want some god damn respect for once. That's all I've ever wanted. There is nothing I want from Castor, herself. ...Actually, that's not true. I don't mean to lie like that...It's just...she hasn't said she loves me since she was a pup. I know, it's stupid. I don't want her to say she loves me in the way one would love a mate. That would be beyond creepy. I just want her to say she loves me the way a daughter loves her father.
"Maybe the reason she doesn't say it anymore is my own fault. It's not like I say it first, or drop hints that I want to hear it. But, the thing is, I don't feel it'll be genuine unless it's unprovoked. Besides, I'm...actually pretty scared of saying it first. I mean, sure, I was there for her every day of her life, but I don't even know if she remembers that. After all, we have a tendency to remember important events and forget the everyday. For example, I doubt she'd remember how I told her stories every night until she went to sleep, usually telling stories of a hero who did something wrong in his or her past, but did so many great things since then, they made up for it, and were accepted into the heavens. I doubt she'd remember the time she had a really bad virus for three days, and I had to wrap every small portion of food for her in medicinal herbs before practically forcing her to eat. I had to beg her to take the first bite, then cheer her on until she finished the portion. I really don't think she'd remember how she used to snuggle up on my tummy at night. Why would she remember any of that over being appointed general, learning her first spell, or the first time she headed the hunting party?
"What scares me more, though, is the possibility that I've let her down. When she became alpha, I wasn't as supportive as I should've been. I can't even mention the position without a trace of bitterness in my voice. I don't know if she realizes that it's not her I'm bitter toward. If she knows it's because I was never considered for it, and I feel as though I was just overlooked off the bat because of how unpopular I am. I wouldn't have competed with her for the position, even if I could've. She's better as alpha than I am. It's just...I felt like nobody wanted to say anything when she stepped up to be alpha because nobody respected me enough to acknowledge me. Nobody wants to be ruled by someone they still look down on. Maybe I should tell her this, that it's not her fault. She'd tell me she loves me if I told her first, that I know, but I don't want to feel she's only doing it out of loyalty.
"If she can't tell me that, do you know what would be a nice gesture? Just one whole day off. Twenty four hours is all I ask for. I haven't had one of those since becoming beta. Even after the alpha very kindly gave most of my powers to Castor when she became general, I still had a lot of responsibilities. And I still had to look after her. I've just never had a day to myself where I could go to a deserted area somewhere and just...let all my emotions loose. Get rid of all the stress that's been building up.
"But, alas, I know this will never happen. I'm beta. I will always have responsibilities. I'll have to make do with what few hours I can snatch for breaks during the weeks, and time for resting. Maybe, on the day I'll die, I'll finally get that break I've been wanting. And maybe, I'll leave this world, finally completely at peace. Somehow, though, I doubt that'll happen."
Brutis (Modified)
"I should be proud. Heck, I am proud. The girl I had a huge hand in raising, Castor, is alpha. I should be ecstatic about it, but I don't think I'm as happy as I should be. I don't know. I just...I was there to treat her wounds. I was there to comfort her whenever she was sad. I was there to help her whenever she got sick. I protected her from all kinds of harm. If a single wolf even looked at her funny, I went to Castor's defense. And while she was training with other members of the pack, or even the alpha, whenever she was gone...I would get so worried. So, I'd follow her. I could hide very well, thanks to my manipulation of air currents, and I was never caught. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I even gave up my meals for that girl. Do you have any idea how hard it was to make sure she had a full belly every night?
"So, while it is true the alpha was there to take her for important events, I was there for her for her everyday life. When she needed me, I was never far off. When she still needs me, I'm right there. And yet...and yet nobody looks at me with any more respect. Like raising her should've been my responsibility the whole time, or like raising a pup that isn't biologically yours is just something we do every day. But, you know, I could've pawned her off on any other member of the pack, just like how the alpha kept pawning her off on me. I didn't, though. I raised her as if she were the daughter I'd never had, and probably never will have.
"I'm not looking for her to thank me. I felt a want and need to be her father figure. I'm not even looking for the rest of the pack to thank me for making sure their current alpha turned out well. I just want some god damn respect for once. That's all I've ever wanted. There is nothing I want from Castor, herself. ...Actually, that's not true. I don't mean to lie like that...It's just...she hasn't said she loves me since she was a pup. I know, it's stupid. I don't want her to say she loves me in the way one would love a mate. That would be beyond creepy. I just want her to say she loves me the way a daughter loves her father.
"Maybe the reason she doesn't say it anymore is my own fault. It's not like I say it first, or drop hints that I want to hear it. But, the thing is, I don't feel it'll be genuine unless it's unprovoked. Besides, I'm...actually pretty scared of saying it first. I mean, sure, I was there for her every day of her life, but I don't even know if she remembers that. After all, we have a tendency to remember important events and forget the everyday. For example, I doubt she'd remember how I told her stories every night until she went to sleep, usually telling stories of a hero who did something wrong in his or her past, but did so many great things since then, they made up for it, and were accepted into the heavens. I doubt she'd remember the time she had a really bad virus for three days, and I had to wrap every small portion of food for her in medicinal herbs before practically forcing her to eat. I had to beg her to take the first bite, then cheer her on until she finished the portion. I really don't think she'd remember how she used to snuggle up on my tummy at night. Why would she remember any of that over being appointed general, learning her first spell, or the first time she headed the hunting party?
"What scares me more, though, is the possibility that I've let her down. When she became alpha, I wasn't as supportive as I should've been. I can't even mention the position without a trace of bitterness in my voice. I don't know if she realizes that it's not her I'm bitter toward. If she knows it's because I was never considered for it, and I feel as though I was just overlooked off the bat because of how unpopular I am. I wouldn't have competed with her for the position, even if I could've. She's better as alpha than I am. It's just...I felt like nobody wanted to say anything when she stepped up to be alpha because nobody respected me enough to acknowledge me. Nobody wants to be ruled by someone they still look down on. Maybe I should tell her this, that it's not her fault. She'd tell me she loves me if I told her first, that I know, but I don't want to feel she's only doing it out of loyalty.
"If she can't tell me that, do you know what would be a nice gesture? Just one whole day off. Twenty four hours is all I ask for. I haven't had one of those since becoming beta. Even after the alpha very kindly gave most of my powers to Castor when she became general, I still had a lot of responsibilities. And I still had to look after her. I've just never had a day to myself where I could go to a deserted area somewhere and just...let all my emotions loose. Get rid of all the stress that's been building up.
"But, alas, I know this will never happen. I'm beta. I will always have responsibilities. I'll have to make do with what few hours I can snatch for breaks during the weeks, and time for resting. Maybe, on the day I'll die, I'll finally get that break I've been wanting. And maybe, I'll leave this world, finally completely at peace. Somehow, though, I doubt that'll happen."